Some people think that the world revolves around them.
They think it’s only their thoughts and ideas that matter. It’s their opinion that counts. And it’s only their feelings that should be heard, understood, and tolerated.
How this young man has endured having an intimate relationship with a person like that is completely baffling. He appears to be one of those people in love who think that their patience can motivate their beloved to change for the better. Unfortunately, no one honestly changes unless they want to.
Publishing his story on Reddit’s r/AmItheA–hole, this young man with the username u/ihatestuartlittle101 related the following details about his girlfriend’s behavior after his brother’s funeral, which he considered “selfish” and said so to her face.
“My (20m) girlfriend (22F) always complains and literally cries sometimes about her job, which hasn’t been a problem until recently. My brother, who I was extremely close to, passed away unexpectedly about 2 weeks ago. I’ve barely been holding it together and have been a complete mess.”
OP said that his girlfriend was unable to attend his brother’s funeral because her boss would not allow her to take the day off. OP understood that situation and just agreed to meet with her later. He thought that this time he could share his loneliness with his girlfriend, to whom he has been a sympathetic listening ear for their entire relationship.
But his grief just got heavier because of her reaction, as OP wrote: “She meets up with me after work like an hour after the funeral and starts crying almost immediately. She starts venting to me about how much she hates her boss and her schedule and how bad of a day she had at work.”
Yes, OP could hardly believe that his girlfriend did not even care that he just came from his brother’s funeral. And it was like another sharp dagger that stabbed his heart. OP continued: “After she’s done rambling about work, I asked her ‘why does everything have to be about you? I permanently lost one of the closest people in my life, and you’re so selfish that you can’t even spare me one day of your trivial problems.’ She stops crying, gets mad, and drives home and texts me ‘you’re an asshole.'”
What does OP feel now? Lonely and guilty. He has just lost his brother, and now he seems to have lost his girlfriend as well. In an edit, he admitted that he did not mind her complaining habit every day and that he did not think that all her troubles were trivial. But he did somewhat expect that since the closest person to him has passed away and he’s been feeling devastated, he could turn to her for comfort.
What’s the opinion of the majority in the AITA community?
Narcissistic, hundreds called her. And with that kind of person, it’s best to keep one’s distance, or you’ll get twisted around her fingers.
But there were also those who reacted to this habit of many Redditors to use labels on people they consider a-holes. Quite an interesting thread to read, and you may also want to add your own comment.
One AITA member wrote, “Can we stop trying to hand off psychological disorders on every shitty person on earth? Unless you are a psychologist who has met and spoken in depth with her, you cannot diagnose someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or frankly any mental illness. She might just be an inconsiderate/overdramatic person, that doesn’t mean she automatically is a narcissist.”
Another person remarked, “I am also super sick of people referring to someone as being ‘so bipolar’ or acting ‘ADD’ as like insults. Unless you are a doctor diagnosing this person personally, stop with the medical labels. Not every bit of selfish or unkind behavior is toxic narcissism. Some people overdo complaining and disclosure when they finally have someone in their life who listens, and it feels good to vent and be heard. She was inconsiderate. She had poor timing. She was selfish. There are many valid criticisms of her behavior, but casually throwing around severe personality descriptors is pretty toxic on its own.”
“This. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what I find more disturbing–that it didn’t cross her mind to comfort you, that it still didn’t cross her mind to comfort you after she was reminded that your brother had died, or that she tried to make you feel guilty for not prioritizing her office woes over the loss of someone you love. Back in the day, we called a person like that a drama queen. It’s always about her, and it always will be. NTA of course,” shared another Reddit user.
“I fundamentally agree with you on this issue, but I do want to point out that, instead of focusing on what a terrible experience OP has just been through and displaying empathy and compassion, she immediately goes into how bad her day was and crying about it. It’s a pretty high degree of self-centeredness when you can’t put yourself on the back burner for one evening when your partner has been through one of the worst days he’ll ever have in his life. Whatever her issues are, this is a relationship red flag,” commented another AITA member.
What do you think?