If a relationship has entered its serious phase, it is expected that both sides will discuss the future. They must know where the relationship is going. The most important matters that need to be discussed are marriage and having children. These are the stages in a couple’s timeline where each person might have a different take. Contradicting plans won’t allow the couple to move from where they are.
Sadly, those dealbreakers can cause the end of a relationship. Decisions must depend not only on one person but must be fair to another. Huge milestones such as building a family can’t just be compromised — both people must agree to it. Marriage and kids are incredibly life-changing; some people dream of it, while others don’t want to take that road. It’s a major deal-breaker for most people due to various reasons. A person from Reddit opened a discussion regarding this matter. The comment section was filled with advice that did not only help OP but also its readers.
Apprehensive_Love991 sought the opinion of the people from Reddit about her dilemma. While in a long-term relationship, it has never occurred to her that she’ll want a child of her own. She has opened up about it multiple times to her boyfriend. Despite being told about it, OP’s boyfriend suddenly confessed that he wanted to have kids.
“Over the past few months, he let me know he always really wanted kids, he’s from a small family and will probably be the only one able to have children. He’s since told me that he will deal with not having kids to keep the relationship, but it feels wrong for either of us to compromise on something like that,” OP wrote. Although their discussion concluded, it’s challenging to prevent arguments blaming one another for making such a plan. Her boyfriend will probably always have that longing — unless he changes his mind.
Most Redditors were against the idea of staying with someone who clearly has a different outlook on life. Reddit user razzledazzle626 commented, “It’s a bad idea. The person who doesn’t want kids will likely grow to resent the partner they feel forced them into having children they didn’t want. And vice-versa — the person who wants kids will likely grow to resent the partner they feel prevented them from having children they wanted. This is a key life difference.”
One of them will explode someday, and the pent-up frustrations will cause them to hurt each other. Instead of ending the relationship maturely, it could end after painful words were said, and it’ll just taint the once beautiful relationship you have built for years. A Reddit user also pointed out that the boyfriend’s mind will change in the long run and might not even feel the same way after 10 years.
“There are certainly some people who could go either way, but it is rare. And while, at 23, he may say it is ok, will he still feel the same way at 30? 35? Likewise, you may be focused now on other things, and understand no ‘big family,’ but are you sure you want 0 kids? And does that mean 0 biological only, or would you be open to adopting at some point?” wildcat12321 wrote.
OP and her boyfriend should follow up on this matter after a year or a couple more. They need to have that one deep conversation where all plans for the future are laid down. And if most of those plans contradict one another, then the relationship must be sacrificed. Even though couples are in a relationship, they still need individuality. Also, if forced, the children might get in between the feud which may cause childhood trauma.
You don’t always have to agree with your partner’s plan, especially when you are not up for it. It’s best to be honest so resentment won’t build up through the years. Open communication is essential, and you owe it to yourselves to have the conversation. If you have experienced Apprehensive_Love991’s dilemma, you should share the advice that helped you get through it. Moreover, if you are still in a relationship but kids are your dealbreaker, you’d better read the comments for further enlightenment or if you need someone to talk to.Whizzco